Fear factors throughout pregnancy.

Been a wife has never been easy, however, taking another “job scope” to become a mother is even harder. When the doctor announced that I am pregnant, I am overjoyed. Unexplainable mix feelings. Tears just roll down from my eyes as I was not expecting the result to be two red lines. By the way, the purpose of seeing a doctor is meant for the prescription of fever medication instead of detection of my “surprise” pregnancy.

 I was told by my colleagues that I need to be very careful during my first trimester (the first three months of my pregnancy) as these are the period when miscarriage normally happens. Throughout the first trimester, I developed a habit of checking on my panty every time I went to washroom. I am worry that I might saw patches of blood stain on my panty (which indicates high risk of miscarriage). I often have nightmares, maybe I was thinking too much about the baby that I am carrying. I dare not eat watermelon and pineapple even though I get especially fond of fruits. Vomiting is a routine daily activity. My baby just doesn’t agree on what I am taking. I do not have craving but I am extremely favor “warm rice”. The fear of throwing out that might affect my baby health, grows intensely in me. At some point, i do not feel eating at all, fear of throwing out again. I am restless throughout the first trimester and are waiting for the first three months to pass through as soon as possible.

I thought life will be much more better after the first trimester, no more fears, no more worries but….yet one after another, there’s too much of superstitious believe that we need to take care of. Friends are telling me that I need to go for scanning, in case my baby will have cleft lips, more fingers and etc….How traumatised! I can only go for scanning when baby is 20 weeks (at this time, most of the organs are well developed). Everyday, I was thinking of how my baby will look like. I try to look at cute babies pictures so that my baby will look like them when he/she is born. Still, i am having sleepless night due to nightmares. Finally, i get to do the scanning when I am near my 20 weeks. Everything is fine as confirmed by the sonographer but baby is not co-operative enough, hiding the gender from me.  I try to read more, and i feel that i am picking-up the wrong books because the story of stillbirth make me sick….yes, the feeling of fear once again appear. Sometimes, I am very reluctant to go to washroom because I am just worry that baby will poop-up just like that!!!! 

However, i can feel the joy when baby start to “kickboxing” me. I always talk to baby telling baby that mommy loves baby so much and baby must be healthy and strong. Sometimes, i will smile myself, cos not everyone understand this kind of feeling. If baby is not kicking, i will be very worry and try to disturb baby by rubbing my tummy. There’s a lot of changes in my body, my tummy is extremely big, i change my bra size from 32B to 36C…unbelieveable……i guess i am turning into a milking cow….hopefully i can have enough supply for my baby when baby is born.

I know there’s much more to worry about throughout this journey of pregnancy….it’s something new….a progress in my life…the fear factors will definitely continue….not only during pregnancy….cos pregnancy is just beginning of the journey of a new life…..there’s much more to come…..i am not prepared but i believe i can do better everytime some “unexpected” event happens.